I have a feeling

I have a feeling I used to be something;

May 10, 2023

To whom it may concern, 

I have never been the victim. Seemingly, if I listen to the masses, I am a victim. Of what? Of a violent crime. PTSD has taken up shop, and I have lost my housing because of this. I am currently homeless and living on the streets most of the time unless I get the money together and rent a hotel room for the night. I’m telling someone because it occurs to me that before that evening of the violent crime, I was renting a loft in midtown for the past 5 years. The same apartment, the same landlord, and it wasn’t cheap. I was paying $2350 a month. For 5 years. So how is it that I end up on the streets? Treated like a second-class citizen by the landlord I helped make wealthy, and then disemboweled by the family court, where I felt the feeling far worse than the terror brought by the crime victim. The day after my family court sentencing, I did the worst. I stopped. I am ashamed to admit.

I have never stopped in my entire life. I have never believed that I could not do something. I forgot who I was, and I allowed myself to be a victim for the first time in my life because of you. I have never been afraid of anything, except one thing my moxie at times like that night when you try to intimidate me. And I shocked you because I said no. I may have not looked as though, I don't look like anybody important, but I am, and it took me a minute to realize I I'm not OK with what you did to me. Yes, assistant District Attorney had to call me and tell me people are not typically threatened with a butcher’s knife in the middle of the night in their carport. I wasn’t even going to call the police because I didn’t realize what you had done to me is a crime, I have lived so much life and have been put you during your so many times I did not realize that I become accustomed to a manner of living that was never meant to be that people like you were commonplace in my life people like you were constantly bullying me holding me up at gunpoint etc my life started being held up by acts of violence when I was a young young child at the hands of my parents so I was used to being intimidated so that's why you didn't scare me at the moment. I must thank you actually because it made me start a journey that has been horrific yes but life affirming. I realized now how much I want to live. Just a recap of what you did to me in the aftermath, the apartment in which you held me up at I could no longer keep it together long enough and so I had to leave and I had no place to go. I spent the entire first 6 months of 2023 homeless, I happen to be mentally ill, unlike you I don't fake my symptoms to get off on small sentences. Because of you I lost my healthcare for 6 months last year and in turn I lost 6 months of medication for my mental illness, because of this I became so ill I lost my entire family of what was left of them anyway and I ended up sleeping in a parking lot in midtown Sacramento. Until somebody found me.

Problem with me is I fear nothing because I've been on the streets and endured the horrific things in that world.

No comparison to what was behind the doors of where I grew up. My upbringing of cracked skulls, just in case we needed to be reminded that children were to be seen and not heard. I was used as my mom’s personal ashtray when she got mad at you, and you're being reminded every single morning when you wake up and you see the scars. That is my badge of honor. I know this made me careless.

I signed him away because I felt I wasn't capable of keeping him safe and the idea that you wanted to take something of my son’s that night that option simply isn't something that could happen, so here I sit and I'm going to tell you I don't think you give a damn I'm an advocate and I'm in remission for a lot of stuff I was in remission and tell you you're such a coward alright over my contact I would I haven't given away something and how dare you try to take it from me and then you you left your gift in night terrors of your butcher’s knife and then my life I became nothing, just an everyday street rat, in the streets right now I have GB syndrome and now I committed an act of treason and betrayal against the last innocent person I will ever know in my lifetime. The final stake I delivered to his beautiful and broken heart was the gift of waking him up for school and saying goodnight in real life rather than a scheduled canned curtain call at the end of his day. His right to have me annoy him and be by his side, to be a mommy. My beloved son, my son I had to throw away to pastures seemingly greener as declared and adopted as an order from an opinion passed down by a third party that was in charge of evaluating if I was good enough to parent my son. After my crime. Although he’s rightfully safeish with his dad on his dad’s greener pastures. And in all honesty, his dad’s new girlfriend does a good job painting the roses red, so to speak to keep up those appearances. How is it that I, of all people? The one everyone said was going to fail, lose everything due to my worthlessness and stupidity the one doomed to fail. After earning three bachelor’s degrees and making something from nothing bringing in empty off-brand cling wrap hobo packs to store brand Ziploc bags of tangible less than worthless. Well, I thought it was enough. I fooled myself for almost five years I almost felt happy for about 4 months total of those five years. I allowed myself to make memories. The horrible painful kind of memories that take your breath away when they wash over your thoughts. The memories of the front door keeping the cold out and you and your little family in where it was warm. Yep, that’s what dawned on me this morning and now afternoon, it keeps reminding me loud enough that I can hear the reminders of inadequacy over my rumbling belly that also reminds me of how long it has been since lunch yesterday. My brain and body have seemingly come to life for a minute to tell me to remind someone that I used to be someone. I guess. Well, I was someone to myself. And my son. I paid my rent and I used to have money, then I went to the grocery store one night after ten. I went because I was mad at my boyfriend and I needed to take a break. I should’ve just stayed home. Maybe if I’d stayed home, I’d still have one after all I did pay rent for 5 years on my place in midtown Sacramento.

And now look: not even a forwarding address to send the condolence letter and book of “I told you so’s.”

Sincerely,