Everyone Has a Right to Have a Present and Future That Are Not Completely Dominated and Dictated by the Past

“Everyone has a right to have a present and future that are not completely dominated and dictated by the past.”

There are no losers—I just happen to be a slow winner.

November 25, 2015

Good morning,

This past year and forever ago, there has been grief, self-pity, growth, and rebirth. I gave birth to myself. I have had many helpers along the way; life-altering is a complete understatement. I, Joslynn Smathers, have come to realize how grateful I am. If I didn't come to realize how powerful I am and have always been, the following declaration could've been said, but wouldn't have.

My name is Joslynn Smathers. I'm 36 years old. I'm 5'3". My hair color varies from red to brown hair; green eyes. I am/was a daughter, a granddaughter in spirit, sister, niece, godmother, auntie (e.e.). According to my niece, I'm “magic” (more on that in a minute). I am thrifty. My friends call me the “coupon ninja.” I can make $20 spend like $100. To me, MSRP… is simply a jumping-off point for negotiations. I make my cleaning products, skincare, can and have cured pink eye with grated raw potato. I love being useful. When I'm in service and helping others, I am blessed and peaceful.

I used to love, and I miss, my brilliant, mental-illness-advocating, master's-degree-holding big sister coming to me when she has a rash, or her friend's dog was sick. This is why my niece called me magic. “Magic doctor, but way cooler.” I understand, and I am fluent in the forgotten language of “the truth.” I love being good at things that help others.

I have been dragged through the underbelly of the Family Court system. Chasing every “Red Herring,” attempting to extinguish every “Brush Fire” started. My life navigating through this hell has been hell. I have trudged this road without a map or GPS. I've become more understanding, compassionate, and passionate about life. I have found my purpose. I am the voice for the voices that have been silenced. I have been and was blessed to have the foresight to make an excellent choice, the first I ever made without anyone's permission.

When I “jumped ship” from my father, Gary Esq., and hired his minion, Mr. Whitworth Esq. After that, life seemed to get even more difficult. I only saw everything to be terrible and tortuous. It was this time in my life—the hardest thing I have ever accomplished. Now, in my darkest hours, I have shined my brightest. Meeting God on the bathroom floor was a step that I didn't stumble on. I am grateful. Now I see life and all of its drama and joy as amazingly beautiful. Still filled with agony.

I did believe I was deplorable. I realise I wasn’t the one who was bad, abnormal, unfit, a liability, and deserving of the scars left on my body, their sick little reminders of what happens to such a girl as stated above.

I'm so much better. They are the bad ones. Now, even on bad days, I look forward to being me. I have learned I do not need anyone. I am capable, tenacious, and funny. I am perfectly happy alone. I have become an artist. And although this does not define who I am and never will again, I have remained and have been alcohol-free for over 8 years. I was merely going through the motions of sobriety but wasn't in recovery till mid-September 2015. I was in denial, and although my attempts to work my 12-step program were authentic, I wasn't being honest, rigorously honest. As much as you wish a problem to go away, pretend it doesn’t exist, it’s still a problem.

On Thu, Nov 19, 2015, at 10:05 PM, 

littlemac 

wrote:

Thank you,

I had to go through what I've gone through, to come to this profound gratitude. Thank you for guiding me to the realization. 

“Bulletproof.”

I needed the occasion, 

to rise 

to the occasion…

in my way. 

I am not perfect, and I never say the right thing. I'm clumsy. I'm so proud of myself. I could've been through this in May 2015. All I had to do was keep a secret and lie. My dad would've had Jack back in no time. I chose to be Jackson's mother, love him more. I chose the path less traveled. Jackson is the most lovely being I have ever met, and I can look him in the eye and tell him the truth when he has questions. I am worthy of the gift of being his mommy.

We fought for our lives together. I was told my body couldn't handle the pregnancy. I was given the option to give birth when I was 6 months pregnant. The amnio said his lungs weren't strong enough. And although I would've survived, his chances weren't good. I said, “Give him a week.” And another week. Then, when my body was too tired to keep us both alive, his lungs were ready. On June 28th, 2011, it was time. We snuck into the hospital, under cover of night and a blanket of stars. My sister was at my side. My chances of surviving… weren't great at that point. My heart wouldn't beat on its own fruition. After my sister confirmed he was perfect, my will was signed, Jackson in good hands. At the time, I thought my sister possessed those good hands. I thought she wouldn't let anything happen to my boy. So I succumbed to the darkness. And I died 5 times. And I wasn’t going down without a fight. So the crash team revived me, but my life wasn’t saved until just recently. Half measures availed nothing. I let go absolutely. I am so thankful. I am alive.

This is the first time I've spoken of Jackson's birth. I was afraid if I thought about how sick, abused, and dead I was, I wouldn't survive the feeling again. But I did. I'm going to bed now.